Troopers of the PNP Special Action Force refer to their wives as Alpha and to their mistresses as Bravo, probably all the way down to Zulu. This is a very practical way of doing away with names, but is also very obvious.
That, and the datkilab/tadbalik quasi-language pretty much prove that, as a people, discretion is not our superhero ability.
–OneTamad, Age 7
Philippine comedy is a funny thing. By funny, we mean peculiar, if not necessarily humorous.
It is steeped in a fine tradition of physical gags, slapstick and sexual innuendo. Much like any Filipino tradition, it hardly changes. The setup and location may be different, the special effects more campy (or less so,) but in the end, you know someone is going to trip, or fall, or get hit upside the head. It’s like every episode of Kenan and Kel except the guys are less black, and probably not as good at sports.
That being said, Comedy King Dolphy and Comedy Prince Vic Sotto starring in a movie together is pretty significant. Aside from both being sex machines to all the chicks, they’re two of the most dominant people in the industry. It’s like De Niro and Pacino doing a film together, or Ocean’s 11 through 13 minus the Chinese guy and the nervous dude and that dude who looks like Stallone. Or, as Mikonawa (who does exist, honest) calls it, the Alien Vs. Predator of the Philippines.
Does this mean that Dolphy is about to step down from the throne and give way to Vic Sotto’s ascendancy? With a new marginally-funny lothario reigning as King of Comedy, what will this mean for Vhong Navarro and Bearwin Meilly (the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern of Philippine Comedy)?
More importantly, will the movie actually be funny for a change?
–OneTamad
Not Your Average Muslim.
Background:
Some guy told me once that we’re lucky the Spanish came along otherwise we’d all be Muslims. While that is indeed some pretty narrow-minded thinking, it’s true that our islands were well on their way to being Islamic in the 1500s. Sultans ruled Mindanao and it is safe to say that “what would Jesus do?” was not the philosophical question that the kingdoms of Manila and Tondo pondered either. Given that the Muslim Filipinos have been around since pretty much forever, it’s sad that we fear them and treat them as a totally alien people. A totally alien people who can be counted on to provide us with pirated DVDs. read more
Hard times give way to sickness. The economic-social-political crisis gives way to the deterioration of health.
These days are prone to epidemic outbreaks, and we at The Indolent Indio are most keen observers.
Look out for that Tamaditis virus going around. Its primary stages quickly escalate into a full-blown acute syndrome. Though not genetic, it can be quite chronic. Symptoms include nausea at the thought of work or school, episodes of extreme lethargy and heaviness of limbs, and the inability to concentrate.
Easy to fall prey to this virus are the masses (masa. As in masandal sa pader, tulog). Bed rest is best for full recovery.
There’s also one for kidney stones or sakit sa bato. Sakit sa bat(ugan).
–PreMadonna, who is into puns.
Secret Invasion
Background:
Wikipedia scholars, when not watching YouPorn, speculate that our island of Luzon was once part of the Song Dynasty of China.
While the factual basis of this is still debatable, records do show that the Chinese had contact with the island of May-i (supposedly our Mindoro) centuries ago. Records also show Chinese trade with a country they called Feilubin,which was prety lazy on their part.
Since Hispanic times, the Chinese have been a permanent, if repeatedly forced into ghettoes, part of our society. There was a time, it has been written, when one could purchase a Chinese servant for 50 pesos. That was, of course, back in unenlightened times when 50 pesos was actually worth something.
The Chinese have since assimilated into our society through intermarriages and clever name changes that we don’t know where their culture ends and ours begins. Pancit with rice, though, is probably all us. read more
Background:
The Americans are what good Filipinos want to be when they grow up.
What We Call Them:
Joe- From Victory Joe, we suppose. By default, all Americans are Joes regardless of race, creed or gender. That’s democracy at work.
Kano- An abbreviation of Amerikano.
Puti- For the sake of convention, all white people are Americans, and all Americans are white. This is globalization at work.
What We Say About Them:
The booming outsourcing industry has taught us several things: call center agents are a horny lot, that we speak better English than most Americans, and that most Americans cannot be bothered to read the user’s manual.
More traditional sources like balikbayan titos and popular culture have shown us that Joes are also brash, lazy, loud and generally come in second place in Pinoy jokes.
Why We’re Douchbags For Saying It:
Actual Indians May Vary
Background:
The Indians are one of our nation’s oldest trading partners. Widespread contact with India in pre-Hispanic times is evidenced by a great number of sanskrit loan words in our national language.
What We Call Them:
Bumbay– From Bombay, which is a city in India. It is by no means the only city in India from which all Indians come from.
5-6- For their loan practices. The math is probably complicated, but the basic rule of thumb is you borrow P500, and you pay P600.
What We Say About Them:
They stink, and so does their food. That’s pretty much it, I guess. Also, they can be called upon by yayas and mothers to kidnap disobedient children. Or, possibly, to take them as payment when said yaya or mother cannot cough up the P600 she owes.
Why We’re Douchbags For Saying It:
We all smell weird to other people. Filipinos, they say, smell of fish. Surely some culture in the world finds that abhorrent. Probably everyone else who isn’t Filipino or a fish.
Older generations of Filipinos actually gag or have asthma attacks when encountering Indians or their food. Aside from being absurdly OA, they conveniently forget that some Filipino stuff like bagoong and various meals made from gastric juices and animal innards are pretty fucked up, too.
As far as kidnapping goes, we’ve got things back-asswards. Indians are more likely to get kidnapped than your average child. Criminals probably think that a person who can afford to lend money is worth kidnapping.
Common sense holds, however, that a person who lends money is only really worth kidnapping if money owed is actually collected. One doesn’t have to work for the World Bank to know, though, that paying our debts is not a Filipino virtue.
–OneTamad
“I hope we could spend more time together/ a few hours is better than never”
The ’90s generation peed their collective pants a little when rumors started floating around that the Eraserheads were getting back together for a reunion concert, and had a spontaneous orgasm when it was announced this week that the rumors were spot on.
Rumor has it, or it’s probably official now, that the event will be sponsored by Marlboro, and that the E-heads are supposedly getting millions for playing again years after breaking up.
At a small Chinese restaurant on Commonwealth, the food is great, the service, excellent, but the background music, illogically, is a mix of R&B and power ballads that are as Chinese as my girlfriend’s grandmother who has kinky hair and was born in Zambales (which is to say, not Chinese at all.) Sadly, this scene is repeated in most restaurants in the country, although sans my girlfriend’s grandmother.
While restaurants are not expected to strictly enforce sticking with a theme (Thai food can, for example, be served even without Bangkok whores to provide authenticity,) lack of attention to detail when it comes to music can make or break one’s dining experience.
This is a declaration of war against you, Stepmother Spain. And you, Uncle-who-touches-me-funny UK. If you are at all familiar with playground politics, you know damn well a person can only take so much name-calling before they fight back.
You remember these, don’t you?
