Joseph Dent Explains the Joke

We at Indolent Indio are not fond of explaining jokes, on the principle that if you have to explain, or even give some sort of cue that you’re joking, it isn’t funny.

But the amount of vitriol being sprayed around by people who were genuinely offended by Chip Tsao’s article perhaps merits this explanation from mystery commenter josephdent, pro-Chinese apologist and agent provocateur for the godless communists.

He writes:

My fellow Pinoys, Mr. Chip Tsao is defending Filipinos and Filipino maids and is actually ridiculing these so-called “Chinese patriots”.

When Tessie Tomas pretends to be a rich matrona in “Abangan ang Susunod na Kabanata” and then says outrageous, ridiculous mata pobre things, Tessie Tomas is not really mata pobre, instead, she is exposing the mata pobre of the Filipino upper class. That is how this article works as well: satire. In the article, Mr. Tsao is pretending to be one of these Chinese patriots. He then proceeds to say outrageous, over-the-top, racist statements to show them that the viewpoints of his fellow Chinese citizens are in fact outrageous, over-the-top and racist!

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Chip Tsao may be a racist, but what are you?

chillax

Legend has it that God (and/or Bathala) created man out of clay, baking the prototypes in his oven just because he could. Not yet having the hang of his omnipotence, Bathala fucked up and burnt the first man, hence the African race. He fucked up again, probably drunk on fermented rice wine, being primarily a rice god, and created the Caucasians when the he took man out too early. Also the Chinese, when he messed up again before finally creating the perfect man, the brown man. And so it goes.

And if you believe that, then you were probably foaming at the mouth when Chinese columnist Chip Tsao played the racist card and called us a nation of servants. [UPDATE: HK Magazine has taken down the offending article. You may view it here. Thanks to joyfulchicken for the tip.]

And right then and there, all the trolls and armchair nationalists, who never even took ROTC, rose to the defense of Inang Bayan and tried to spam the guy with racist comments of their own.

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Boyet Fajardo is a douchebag

This morning saw designer Boyet Fajardo–of the Boyet Fajardo Church of Boyet Fajardo–being defended on TV by his spokesman Ricky Ricardo (or whatever) for the tongue lashing he subjected employees of the Duty Free Philippine Fiesta Mall to for asking him for an ID to validate his credit card purchases.

He said that Fajardo’s alleged “creative outburst” might have been misinterpreted by the Duty Free staff. Perhaps when Fajardo said,” Mga leche kayo! Hindi niyo ako kilala? Ako si Boyet Fajardo!,” he was only greeting them good morning in his own fabulously gay and creative way.

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Francis M: Man Of Manila

Francis M., dead at 44, was the Fresh Prince of Filipino hip hop, not so much in that he was a ghetto boy who lived with rich relatives or whatever, but in that he gave us our first taste of hip hop. He was the face of Filipino hip hop, adolescent and slightly awkward as it was.

It takes balls to wear overalls

It takes balls to wear overalls

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Sen. Ramon Revilla, Jr. only wants to protect journalists

If you aren’t aware of the ongoing debate on the Right of Reply Bill, this will probably mean nothing to you.

On the other hand, every opportunity that our politicians take to embarrass themselves is of interest to all freedom-loving Filipinos, so you might as well read on.
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Mon Tulfo really don’t love hoes

You know why Nicole cried rape? Because she was dumped like a pig at a dark corner with her jeans off and the wet condom still on her.

You know why they dumped her? Because she was shouting “I’m not a bitch” after one of Smith’s companions said, “Get rid of your bitch” as the van was nearing the pier where their ship was moored.

Ramon Tulfo, Inquirer columnist and pimp daddy

Goddamn. I fear that some day,  Mon Tulfo will have to choke a bitch.

Xenophobia Begins at Home 5: Koreans

Background:

metaphorically kicking your face daily

metaphorically kicking your face daily

Unlike our other Asian neighbors, the Koreans do not have a long history of trading with our ancestors. This is probably because they spent their time being part of China and fending off Japanese invaders for so long. It’s sort of hard to think about trade when you’re facing armadas of samurai and such. The Japanese finally got them eventually and did to them what they did to us in World War II for 35 years or so.

In the ’50s, our Batallion Combat Teams marginally helped them fight off North Korean and Chinese attacks in the aptly-named Korean War. For which they thanked the Philippines by setting up trade and tourism deals with us in the late ’90s.

Since then, millions (billions?) of Koreans have set foot on our shores to evangelize, put up shops and learn English from our college students at P50 pesos an hour. They actually pay much more than that, around P300, but most of it goes to the Korean owners of the language tutorial centers.

What we call them:

Interestingly, because our ancestors lived in a time before there were Koreans (in the country, obviously. They’re not some magical race that suddenly popped into existence,) we’re stuck with just calling them Koreans. Sometimes we call them anyong (from the Korean salutation annyeong), kimchi or jamppong (from the cup noodle ad,) which just proves older generations right: the kids today don’t even try anymore.

What we say about them:

Officially, the Koreans are honored guests, and one of our largest trading partners. With industrial giants like Hanjin Heavy Industries providing jobs and each Korean coughing up money to the Bureau of Immigrations, the government couldn’t be happier.

The informal economy centered around tutorial centers is a steady (if niggardly) source of easy money for our college students. Coupled with the fact that most Korean tutees are the same age as their tutors, a smooth cultural exchange is guaranteed. Also, a smooth exchange of sex for promises of marriage and a wonderful life in Korea, resulting in the yet-unwritten but canonical social realist short story Impeng Koreano.

Unofficialy, though, it’ll be hard to find a Filipino who doesn’t resent Koreans. Noisy, brusque and given to disregarding essential things like respect for a host country’s culture, Koreans either walk around like they are our lords and masters, or ignore us altogether.

They are generally loud, and will think nothing of walking down the middle of the street in packs in the middle of the night chattering away like we don’t need to sleep before showing up to teach them English the next day.

A source in the hotel industry even said that their housekeeping staff would rather clean up after a bumbay than a Korean because they tend to spit everywhere. For a relatively new arrival to our country to overturn a centuries-old stereotype in just ten years is a pretty telling thing, don’t you think?

Why we’re douchebags for saying it:

We’re not, really. Cultural differences, we can chalk up to simple misunderstanding, but ten years into the Filipino-Korean experience and they’re getting ruder by the day. And the worst part is that Koreans, in Korea, are very much like the Japanese: slanty-eyed and very big on courtesy. They’re how Filipinos were if  Zaide’s historical accounts were somehow actually historical: they venerate their elders, they take care not disturb the harmony of others, and put a huge premium on education and cleanliness.

Somehow, when they get to our country, they throw all of that out the window, mixed with some spit, more likely than not. Maybe it’s our fault. Maybe it’s because we’re also impolite and dirty as a culture, and that encourages them to act like goddamned grade school boys on a field trip. Maybe Rizal was right when he wrote “to this country come the dregs of the Peninsula (Korean Peninsula, in this case) and if one arrives a good man, soon he is corrupted in the country.”

Maybe it’s because for the last ten years we’ve let them have their way because of the money they bring. It’s sort of a buy the ticket, take the ride deal, I guess.

On the other hand, maybe they’re just assholes.

Facebook owns you

Triangle! Exclamation Point!

Triangle! Exclamation Point!

Not to alarm you or anything, but if you’re on Facebook, and have posted pictures of yourself, your friends and your family, (so, pretty much all of civilized society,) then you’ve just lost all copyrights to those pictures.

Not that a lot of us will ever be really famous, but that drunk picture of you with the pentel pen boobs is now someone else’s property.

From here:
You are solely responsible for the User Content that you Post on or through the Facebook Service. You hereby grant Facebook an irrevocable, perpetual, non-exclusive, transferable, fully paid, worldwide license (with the right to sublicense) to (a) use, copy, publish, stream, store, retain, publicly perform or display, transmit, scan, reformat, modify, edit, frame, translate, excerpt, adapt, create derivative works and distribute (through multiple tiers), any User Content you (i) Post on or in connection with the Facebook Service or the promotion thereof subject only to your privacy settings or (ii) enable a user to Post, including by offering a Share Link on your website and (b) to use your name, likeness and image for any purpose, including commercial or advertising, each of (a) and (b) on or in connection with the Facebook Service or the promotion thereof. You represent and warrant that you have all rights and permissions to grant the foregoing licenses.

Mi Ultimo Adios in LOLcat, poor taste

Found on the Internet:

Someone actually made a LOLCat translation (I guess) of Gat. Jose Rizal’s “Mi Ultimo Adios.”
It is, ultimately, indistinguishable from the original, which is fine, because you never really read the original anyway.
Credit (and enmity of Filipino Departments everywhere) go to a certain M. Sereno

Kthxbai cheezburger,
U srsly yummeh cheezburger,
Mai shiniez I gif u, tho it no can has teh cheez
N even if it had moar of teh cheez
I wud gif u all dat cheez.

OMG FAYT!
N teh kittehs also gif u der shiniez.
Whar kittehs? Dun carez:
Scratchy place, roll-around place,
Dey r all place for gif teh shiniez.

I go bai nao, omg hi2u sun
N omg bai2u dark,
N omg if u need moar colorsz
I gif u red splashies,
U can has it.

Wen I wuz itty bitty kitteh
N again wen I wuz haf biggr kitteh
I c u in sleepytime, cheezburger,
Yummeh cheezburger,
Full of shiniez and kitteh drugz.

Mai shiniez it can has
For teh win! I sez bai to u cheezburger,
For teh win! I sez bai nao for moar cheez
For u n moar cheezburger yummehz
N for mai wunnerful cheez sodat I can has too.

Wun day if u can seez mai kthxbai place
N windses! N flowersz!
Can has kissumz plz? I can has no can see,
But I can has kissumz!
N cheez!

Shiniez plz moon,
Shiniez plz dawn,
Blow plz windses,
I wants teh birdsies! In mai base
Singings teh songses.

Moar hot plz sun,
Rain plz to cum bak to sky?
N kittehs plz to cwy?
N wen timez wifout noise u pray, cheezburger,
Plz ask Ceiling Cat to gif mi cheez.

Plz ask Ceiling Cat for kittehs hu r ded,
N srsly ded, n omgwtf ded,
N for mommeh kittehs hu cwy,
N kittehs wifout mommehs,
N for cheezburger, dat u can has moar cheez.

N wen kthxbai place iz dark,
Wen ded r loneleh buh not rly,
Dun distewb! Ssshhhh kitteh!
If u hears moozeek
Iz jus mi maekin moozeek for u, cheezburger.

N when kthxbai place u forgots,
Even rockz forgots, no remembers,
Scratch wif big claws, maek messiez
So dat mai kittehdust dun go ‘way
N pwns teh burger on youz.

Den dun carez if I iz forgots,
I pwns ur sky! I r in ur base!
I be moozeek
N shiniez, n cheez,
N meni meows of mai feelingz. U no can see?

Mai cheezburger, hu I wants moar dan moar,
U can has ears plz, kthxbai — I go ‘way
From other kittehs, mommeh and daddeh kittehs, sexeh kittehs,
I go whar can has no doorz on fridgsesz, no lids on foodz,
Wer der is cheez. N moar cheez.

Kthxbai, litter kittehs, kittehs for teh win,
LOL kittehs, WTF kittehs,
Kthx, nao I sleepiez,
Kthxbai kitteh i dun kno, kthxbai shineh kitteh,
Kthxbai all my base. I r ded, I has moar cheez.